Regret
by wingsoverthewater
Summary: My interpretation...what was in Mimi's head as she lay in the park at the end of the movie, freezing? Lousy summary...my first RENT fic! R&R please. Rated T just to be super duper safe. COMPLETE! AKA Chapter 2 is up.
1. Chapter 1

Regret

A/N: My first Rentfic! but nooo, rent's off broadway...just after I discovered how freaking amazing it was. Goddamn. So yeah.

Mimi was cold, so cold, so damn cold. She couldn't breathe. Couldn't stop shaking. Couldn't stop coughing. It felt like her lungs were pea-sized, made of iron, so that she couldn't them with oxygen. She lay on the bench in Central Park, shivering as the cold cut her to the bone. She was freezing, burning up, all at once. Questions pounded through Mimi's fevered, delirious mind, thick and confused with illness. Where was she? Who was she? Why the hell was it so cold? Where were Roger and Angel and Collins and Joanne and Maureen and Mark? Was the world spinning, or was she dizzy, or crazy? Was she back home in Spain? Was she in the loft? Where was her blanket? Was she at home with her parents and sisters? Was she dead or alive?

In a burst of lucidity, Mimi remembered. She was Mimi! She was out in Central Park, freezing. She had to get home! ...but oh no. Where...where was home? And why did she have to get home? She tried to remember, but the fog in her mind was like cloth, covering everything.

Mimi tried to push herself up so she could get home. Big mistake. The world spun, colors inverted, turned to shades of gray. She couldn't tell what was up or down, what was forwards or backwards or left or right. All she saw was spinning technicolor, then it felt like she was standing on her head, then suddenly grayness. Mimi curled up, tripped over a pebble, and fell to the cold, hard, icy ground as blackness overcame her.

_Mimi, the inquisitive, curious four-year-old, pushed open her big sister Alicia's door. Alicia was sixteen, much bigger than her, and her room was so big and foreign and messy! Usually Alicia wouldn't let Mimi into he room, but she seemed so tired lately. She'd been all icky-feeling and sad, and not talking, and just staying in her room. And she always was cold and stuff. So Mimi had picked her a handful of wildflowers so maybe Alicia would feel better. _

_"Alicia?" Alicia lay, sleeping, on her messy bed, coated in sweat, breathing raggedly. Mimi crawled up on her bed and poked her. "Alicia?" Then Mimi noticed that her shirtsleeves had ridden up as she slept, and there were funny marks, track things running along the middle of Alicia's arms, near her elbows. Mimi wondered what they were. _

_But she didn't want to wake her big sister up to ask, so Mimi left the flowers on Alicia's pillow, and jumped off her bed, then quietly tiptoed out and closed the door. _

_Click, clop, click, clop. Mimi's heeled boots clattered along the street as she ran home from her shift at the Cat Scratch. Maybe Roger was home! Mimi uttered a silent prayer that he would be home. She missed him so much. Every time she thought of him, she felt like someone had shoved a fist down her throat, and she felt like she was seconds away from breaking down and bawling like a baby. Mimi wanted so much to go after him, beg for forgiveness, even though she wasn't sure what she'd done._

_She burst through the door to the loft. Then she stopped dead. Not again._

_He wasn't here._

_It was like this every day. Mimi ran home like this every day from the Cat Scratch. There was a stupid little voice in her brain that was always telling her, "Maybe Roger got home when you were gone, and now he thinks you left, and he's going back." Every day the voice was wrong. Every day, it felt like someone was thrusting another dagger into Mimi's heart. Her shoulders slumped. Roger had been gone for four days. Four days that felt like a million years. Mimi thought she would scream and die if he didn't come home soon. It hurt so much, somewhere deep inside her._

_Mimi stood on the balcony of the loft, eyes locked on the car. It was an old, dinged-up sedan, black, ugly. What made it even uglier was the fact that stupid Roger was leaving for goddamn Santa Fe in that car. _

_What was his problem? There was nothing with her and Benny. Nothing! And she was fine. Mimi's stomach churned with a painful mixture of regret, anger, frustration, and sadness. Why? _

_She did not cry, or scream, or run after the sedan when Roger drove away. She just stood on the balcony, feeling like her heart had turned to stone. She turned around, walked to her own apartment. Didn't turn around. Didn't look back._

_Mimi's shoulders shook violently, as if she had a washing machine on spin cycle inside her. She sat curled in a corner of her apartment. It felt like someone was squeezing her throat and stomach, shoving a cold fist down her throat. _

_Mimi could not stop crying, had been crying for hours. He'd been gone for a whole week, and every time Mimi thought of him (which was a _lot_), it was like someone opened a dam inside her. _

_She'd cried herself to sleep the night before, woke up on a damp pillow, and burst right back out crying while she was getting some toast. Then she had just given up and curled in this corner, arms wrapped around her knees. _

_She wanted him to come back so, so, so much. _I'd do anything. Anything! _she thought. She just missed him too much for words. She loved him so much. Knowing that he hated her, didn't trust her for an instant, wasn't coming back...it was more than Mimi could bear. _

_Mimi shut her eyes and threw her arms over her head. Images flashed through her mind, projected on the backs of her eyelids. _

_Her apartment was too empty. Too many Roger-memories. It hurt too much._

_She had to leave._

Mimi opened her eyes. Damn those memories. There was so much she should have done. So much she should have said. So many bad choices. She couldn't stand it. So she closed her eyes and sunk back into memory.

Images flashed through her mind, projected on the backs of her eyelids by some invisible projector. But there was no escape for Mimi, no escape from her love for Roger.

_Roger, the first day she'd met him, incredibly handsome. Holding his guitar, lighting a candle. Flirting with him._

_Climbing through his window at 10:00 PM, asking him to take her out._

_Walking in the snow with Roger._

_Standing on the table in the Life, kissing him. It was blissful oblivion, as she stood there on her toes, kissing him, one hand in his hair and the other around his neck._

_Roger gazing at her with anger, fear, frustration in his eyes as he saw the stash in her hand._

_Standing by Roger at Angel's funeral, sobbing in his arms. _(A/N: I know. She was standing by Benny, at least in the movie. I needed this moment though.)

_Pressed in a corner, blasted by a torrent of angry Roger-ranting._

_Watching Roger leave, knowing he was gone._

There was no escape. In another burst of clearness, Mimi decided. She was going to go get herself a car. Go to Santa Fe, and apologize to Roger for everything she'd done. Then she would go to therapy for her heroin thing. Go to med school, become a doctor.

She tried once more to get up, but she could not.

Then Mimi realized it might be too late. She couldn't get up. Couldn't go. She was too weak. Then it hit Mimi that she might never see Roger again. She'd never be able to apologize.

This thought was so painful. Mimi curled up in the snow, feeling like someone had put a dagger through her heart. She couldn't. She had to! But she couldn't. Too weak. But she had to...

It felt like there was a car on Mimi's chest. Her vision blurred, and she knew it was over. The frost, her AIDS, the pneumonia, and mostly the grief had won. Mimi would never be able to see Roger and say sorry. It was _over_.

Then she heard crunching footsteps. Or maybe she didn't. Mimi couldn't tell if they were really there, or if she was imagining it.

"Is that..."

"Oh my gosh! Mimi? Meems? That you?" Who was that? Sounded a lot like Joanne and Maureen...it couldn't be.

"Oh my god. Meems? MEEMS!"

Mimi didn't care who it was. Didn't care at all. All she cared about was...

"Take...take me...Roger...to, to the loft." Speaking those words took all the energy she had. Suddenly she couldn't breathe, couldn't see, and everything went black once more.

A/N: You know what comes next ;D I might put up a sequel using this sort of concept, but with Roger, reflecting on his own life. If you guys like it.

So review please! And tell me if you like it or hate it or want another chappie. Thanks! PS: Other than that, next Rent fic is Mimi/Roger fluff to get over the angstyness of this story XD


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Sorry that took so long!! I've been soooo busy. Tests, papers, martial arts, musical instruments, and...best of all,

I GOT THE PART! I'm Mimi! :D When the teacher read off my name, I was like jumping up and down, screaming for joy. And I'm really lucky, the guy who plays Roger is my friend. Who is really hot and worthy of playing Roger.

Ohkay, enough of my rambling. It's a bit shorter, but...I'm sorry. I just couldn't make it longer. I present to you, Regret, chapter two!

Disclaimer: I only own the plot concept and Sarah Benson, who I will probably never use again.

Regret

Chapter 2

_Scritch, scratch. Scratch, scrabble, scritch, scratch._ Roger's pencil made funny little squeaky noises on the paper of his black Moleskin notebook as he scratched out yet another song. He was so tired of this 'can't write' think.

"Roger! Hey, Roger!" called a voice. It sounded like...Mimi?

Roger turned towards the sound, but all he saw was the Santa Fe canyons, canyons of red rocks and dust. Aargh!

This had been happening to him for days. He would see her face in a shop window, but when he blinked, she was gone. Hear her voice calling him, but when he turned, there was no one. He even thought he'd seen _Xmas brunch, just the two of us? Mimi_ scrawled in her handwriting on the dust of someone's car window, but when he looked again, it was just a kid's curly doodles.

Boy, was he tired. Roger couldn't think. He really wanted to sleep, but in the shade. Which was not easy to find, up here on the cliffs and rocks in Santa Fe. (A/N: Like where you see Roger singing on rocks in the film)

So he pushed himself up and headed for a ravine. Clambering down the lightly sloped rock, Roger found a place where rock jutted out over a wide "path" of rock. He spread his jacket on the rock and sat down on it. Then he leaned back and let sleep overcome him.

_It was Roger's sixth birthday party. Confetti, chips, and cake littered the backyard floor of the Davis' home. Wrapping paper surrounded a circle of eight or so kids. Roger picked up the last box, from his aunt and uncle. It was wrapped in shiny blue and green paper, but Roger didn't notice. All he did was shred open his last birthday present. It was a GameBoy game! _(A/N: I know, Game Boys weren't invented back then.) _Roger smiled, and tucked it into his pile of presents. The kids around him oohed. _

_"COOL!" shouted Maureen._

_Tommy (Collins) leaned forwards, craning his neck to get a better look at the box. "What game is it?"_

_"You always get cool presents, Roger! You're lucky you don't get clothes." This was from Mark._

_Roger's mom came into the room. "One more present, Roggey. From me and your daddy. Hope you like it..." She handed Roger a large, longish box, which Roger grabbed and unwrapped in seconds. _

_He pulled the lid off the box, which was huge- more than half as big as him. Inside was a small acoustic guitar. It was beautiful and shiny, the wood the color of the sand on a beach in Mexico. _

_Roger picked up the guitar eagerly. Just the sight of the beautiful instrument set something astir in him. He strummed the strings, placing his fingers randomly on the frets and pressing down. It made a pleasant chord._

_It was the best birthday present _ever_._

_Roger climbed the stairs to the loft after returning from the pharmacy. He had picked up his __AZT, and now he could go home and try to figure out a song. Or sleep. Sleep sounded good. It was the only time he wasn't thinking about April. Except for when April showed up in Roger's dreams._

_This all sucked so freaking much. April was dead. Roger had AIDS. He could not write anything. Everything just SUCKED so much._

_Roger hadn't felt anything except anger and sadness after April had died. Maybe that was why he couldn't write a song. That made him angry and sad. Then he couldn't write. It was a painful and damn lousy cycle. _

_Shoving the door to the loft open, Roger threw down the small paper bag with his AZT in it onto the table. He grabbed his guitar and headed outside._

_He struck a few chords, but they sounded sour and wrong. Eventually Roger pulled a chair on the balcony and grabbed a notebook, putting his guitar inside. Roger started to scrawl song ideas onto the sheet. He hated all of them._

_Frustrated, Roger put his pencil down and looked across the street for a sign, an oracle, a person, any inspiration. But to no avail. The street was empty, just like the well of Roger's songwriting ability._

_Suddenly a girl rounded the corner. She wore boots and a miniskirt, and a huge leopard-print coat. Her curly brown hair blew behind her in the wind. She seemed to be dancing along the street._

_Roger felt drawn to the girl, who looked to be about seventeen. He watched her as she twirled and danced into his building. When Roger could no longer see her, he felt an odd sadness. _

_But he was glad she lived in the same building as he did. She seemed so...happy. _

_Roger stood up and returned into his apartment. He thought of the girl, dancing through the streets, and a strange, swooping, sunny feeling ran through him. It was a feeling Roger hadn't felt since April had died. He finally recognized it as happiness._

_Roger was worried. Mimi looked so thin. Every time he saw her, she looked a bit paler, weaker. He decided to go see her before she left for work and ask if she was okay. _

_She wasn't in her apartment. Roger decided that he'd check on her tomorrow and go to the park today, see if he could get an epiphany. _

_As Roger passed an alleyway, he saw a familiar, graceful motion and a familiar leopard-print coat. He looked into the alleyway. "Mimi?"_

_Mimi turned, her expression worried, like a child caught doing something she wasn't supposed to be doing. Then a figure stepped out from behind her._

_"Hey! An old customer." Oh, God. It was The Man. "You want some?"_

_Roger couldn't move. As The Man waved a baggie full of white powder in front of his face, Roger was overcome with a want for some. No matter how long he'd been clean, whenever he saw heroin...it was like an instinct. _Get the heroin.

_"No!" Roger shouted. Then he grabbed Mimi by the sleeve of her coat and dragged her roughly out of the alley. _

_"Mimi!" he shouted. "You said you were- you were clean!" _

_Mimi looked anguished. "I am- really, I just ran into him- I..." she stuttered._

_"Don't give me that shit." Roger snapped. He was so angry. Angry that she lied to him, angry that she was into heroin in the first place, and scared that she was slipping back, slipping away. And he had been close to slipping away, too._

_"No! Roger, please-"_

_"No. Save your breath. I'm not listening."_

Roger woke up with a start. He was ashamed of how he'd acted towards Mimi. He'd been so selfish, immature, and mean! He had to go home. He had made so many bad choices. Hurting Mimi all the times that he had, getting into drugs, not insisting that Mimi go to rehab.

Roger shook his head. He was so scared though. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep again. Maybe it would wipe away his worst fear.

_Seven-year-old Roger screamed, kicking at the nurse. It had been an extremely bad idea on the nurse's part to announce that Roger was getting tetanus and chicken pox shots today. "NO! I don't want a shot. I won't! Needles are stupid! They hurt! I DON'T WANT A SHOT! Leave me ALONE!"_

_Ten-year-old Roger ran through the woods behind Scarsdale Middle School. He jumped a bush, and burst out on Elm Street, a block down from his house. Maybe he was safe for now. Then the bullies appeared. "Hey you little wimp. Come fight!" Roger didn't want to fight. He ran, screaming, "Go away! Leave me alone!" He would fight, but he was afraid he would lose. Then he would have bodily injuries, and an injured pride._

_Sixteen-year-old Roger pushed Sarah Benson away. The empty halls of Scarsdale High echoed Sarah's sobs as she gave Roger a glare, and hurried away. Roger wouldn't have minded kissing her, but he knew then that would lead to a relationship. And eventually they would break up, and that would hurt a lot._

_It was a childish fear. The reason why Roger was also scared to die. Roger's worst fear was a fear of pain, of hurt._

Roger woke again from his fitful doze. "Aaagh!"

The images pulsed through his mind, to the repeating, meaningless mantra of his life: _coward pain your eyes Mimi one song glory afraid running away Angel dying coward pain your eyes Mimi one song glory afraid running away Angel dying..._

"Stop it!" Roger commanded himself. He was not thinking like that.

But he couldn't help himself. The mantra kept going.

And Roger realized the only way he could stop the mantra was to go back to New York City. He had to face his fears.

Roger got up and grabbed his jacket and guitar. Then, trekking back up to his car, Roger headed for the motel. He sold his car to the rental company. Then he checked out of the motel.

Two hours later, as the Greyhound bus pulled up to the stop, Roger grabbed his bags and flew up onto the bus. As he settled himself in his seat, Roger thought, _Mimi, here I come._

Then an idea exploded into Roger's brain like a grenade. He grabbed his Moleskin and began to write.

A/N: You know what comes next. I was going to work in a line from Maya Angelou's poem Life Doesn't Frighten Me At All, since there's a reference to it in La Vie Boheme made by Mimi, and it seemed to fit at the beginning, but I couldn't make it fit.

That concludes Regret, my first RENT fanfiction. Thank you to Broadwaybaby4205 and Little Fish In A Big Pond for reviewing! XD that isn't very much...

Whatever. And anyone who has read to this point gets virtual cookies AND a kiss from a fanfic Roger of their choice. Angsty Roger kisses you in the rain and tells you that you remind him of his dead girlfriend, and that he dedicated a new angsty song to you. Romantic Roger takes you to the coast, where he kisses you on the beach under the moon and stars. Sexy Roger kisses you in the loft, when no one's home, when he's only wearing his boxers XD. And Mischievous Roger kisses you in the Life Cafe...in front of your ex, who looks like a bulldog. cough BENNY IN OVER THE MOON cough

Thank you so so so much for reading! Keep looking out for my work! And wish me luck in our production!


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